Wednesday, March 02, 2005
The one about what it's about
Two weeks old. I started this on a whim, having thought – well, I could, I might; no, I couldn’t, I have no theme. On a whim. No plan. Letting my fingers go where they would. And where they went was all over the place, visiting the news, the weather, the past, odd thoughts and things that link or anchor or define me, I suppose.
Truly, though, I often feel unlinked, unanchored and without identity. No partner, no children, no contact with my birth family. A job that doesn’t engage me. Great love for friends, but great reticence too – a determination not to be too needy, not to want more than they, in their busy lives, can give. Unconstrained passion and connection only for language, art… and place.
Always, love affairs with places. But for years now the place I’m in has felt like my enemy – a violent relationship. For years I’ve been going about my daily business shut down, eyes half-closed, clenched against the dirt and chaos, the overcrowding and aggression of London. Hating it, but unable to summon the courage or the energy to leave.
I can see my way to leaving, finally, and soon I will. But before I go I’d like to open my eyes a bit, notice and record something of what’s strange and touching and impressive in the city, make my peace with it. Maybe I can do that here.
¶ 12:08 pm
Two weeks old. I started this on a whim, having thought – well, I could, I might; no, I couldn’t, I have no theme. On a whim. No plan. Letting my fingers go where they would. And where they went was all over the place, visiting the news, the weather, the past, odd thoughts and things that link or anchor or define me, I suppose.
Truly, though, I often feel unlinked, unanchored and without identity. No partner, no children, no contact with my birth family. A job that doesn’t engage me. Great love for friends, but great reticence too – a determination not to be too needy, not to want more than they, in their busy lives, can give. Unconstrained passion and connection only for language, art… and place.
Always, love affairs with places. But for years now the place I’m in has felt like my enemy – a violent relationship. For years I’ve been going about my daily business shut down, eyes half-closed, clenched against the dirt and chaos, the overcrowding and aggression of London. Hating it, but unable to summon the courage or the energy to leave.
I can see my way to leaving, finally, and soon I will. But before I go I’d like to open my eyes a bit, notice and record something of what’s strange and touching and impressive in the city, make my peace with it. Maybe I can do that here.
¶ 12:08 pm
Comments:
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"Love affairs with places": yep, I hear you there. For all the writing I do about Keene, I'm not a local; my family is 800 miles away, and I don't talk with them *nearly* as much as I stay in contact with my "blog friends."
Odd...perhaps. People fall into community where they find it, if not in one place, then in another.
Odd...perhaps. People fall into community where they find it, if not in one place, then in another.
Hi Jean...I just found you through Chris' blog...very cool! I'll be stopping by more often...
Cheers!
Kaitlin
(reinakata02 from Oxford Muse Group)
Cheers!
Kaitlin
(reinakata02 from Oxford Muse Group)
Jean: Interesting this relationship with London - I unconsciously block out a lot of the dirt and noise. I shut down, lose myself in a book on the tube, go into my own head. And there are aspects of the hurly-burly that I still relish.
I plan to move away in the next few years as I yearn for a garden and can't afford a property with one in the city or south-east. But I have no illusions that the impact of the move will be huge. I have lived most of my life in capital cities (London and Paris) and am not sure who exactly I will be in quieter surroundings .... .
I plan to move away in the next few years as I yearn for a garden and can't afford a property with one in the city or south-east. But I have no illusions that the impact of the move will be huge. I have lived most of my life in capital cities (London and Paris) and am not sure who exactly I will be in quieter surroundings .... .
# posted by 
: 9:39 pm
: 9:39 pm
I often feel the same about London where I've now lived longer than in most other places. Yet when I think about uprooting, panic sets in and I stay put. London does have a lot of good qualities - too numerous to mention.
# posted by : 1:08 pm
: 1:08 pm
Wow. Thank you for sharing. It's beautiful. I hope that what you write brings deeper insight and direction for you. Take care.
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